What is Enough Cancer Treatment?
Today was a tough, miserable day….again. For the first time since my diagnosis, I was MAD. (No, I really haven’t felt angry until this point.)
What brought it on? Finally Five had a Wizard of Oz performance that I could not attend because I was a Vomitsarus Rex, laying on the floor of my bathroom…with Chemo Sobby at my side.
To Rolph on the side of the 101 Freeway with the HOTY (which I did last week) is one thing. Yes, that was pathetic. And gross. But today, to miss Finally Five’s performance (for which we have been practicing for weeks) really pissed me off.
And then when she came home, the first thing she said was: “How are you Mommy? Is your tummy better? Don’t be sorry for missing my performance. I just want you to feel better.” F-Bomb. FBC. F’ing cancer.
I’m angry that she has to deal with this in her young life. Is she coping? Yes. Is she as well-adjusted as she can be? Yes. Neither of these ameliorates my anger for the fact that she has to deal with this.
My body and mind are screaming at me: Enough! Done! Finished! No more!
As I was laying in various locations, I kept wondering: How much chemo is enough? At what point does the toxicity cease to be effective and start to cause pejorative long-term ramifications? When does my body get to have a say in the treatment plan?
These were certainly rhetorical questions today, considering the fact that my sole goal of the day was to get off my bathroom floor and not get dehydrated.
Where are the Silver Linings, you ask? Well, there are many:
- Finally Five did great at her performance and was surrounded by a fan club that loves and adores her deeply.
- When Finally Five came home, we snuggled and watched a SL Movie.
- It was a beautiful, warm and sunny day.
- The HOTY brought me my favorite Chocolate Malt from Tinker’s in Summerland.
- Texts from a girlfriend who is NOT afraid to drop the F-bomb (in very creative ways to make me giggle!).
I’ve got dreams in hidden places and extra smiles for when I’m blue.
~Author Unknown
So sorry. Yeah, know what you mean. In my worst moments, I have (still do) read all my books on the eastern Sierra and all my choices of trails that I have not yet backpacked. I get very excited about which adventure I should plan for, and when will my elder daughter let me take my 6 yr. old grandson, Dylan/aka, LOML (love of my life)with me. What I tell him is, "You are going to be my escort "doing" Mt. Whitney when I am 90.
PS If you are interested, I can give you details of a real life woman who did "do" Whitney in her 90's, escorted by family members! Very inspiring. Best, Pat
I can't imagine what your going through. Thank you for taking the time & energy to share your experience with everyone else. If you can find a silver lining ….then I hope everyone including myself should be able to too.
F#@*! f-bomb! FFS!
No.. That didn't help. I'm still pissed off!
If you don't mind me saying (writing), my dearest Hol, I think it's enough already! I am so sorry that you have needed to endure so much pain and suffering; mentally, physically, and emotionally.
No, it DOESN'T seem fair at all, BUT simultaneously, I am in awe of you. I have seen many people go through treatment for F-ing cancer, miss out on special events, vomitus rex themselves all over the person sitting in front of them at the movies, and all the other fun and exciting trials of treatment. These friends are all strong and have persevered, but you, lovely lady, amaze us all. You have gifts that far surpass any suffering that we see! Your immense capacity for insight and wit are only exceeded by your timeless beauty. Surely there are lots of changes happening, but YOU will never! For that, we are so grateful.
Thank you for giving of yourself, constantly, and I'm sorry for calling you Shirley just then. 😉 ("Airplane" quote. Couldn't help myself!)
F–k.
Hollye, I'm so sorry…and your pain is so raw and real. You are an incredible visionary with inspiring things to say from the bathroom floor. Maybe getting angry is your signal that enough is enough? I hope someone filmed Finally Five so there can be a do-over with mom in the audience :). Xo c.
Dear Hollye,
All I can say from my experience is that it's good you're feeling it all. Bad, SL and all that goes with the FBC and chemo. I remember feeling done, sick, tired and pissed off. I'd try to yell into my pillow, "bring it on" during chemo! Ya, right! It's F'ing hard. But try to keeping feeling it all and just keep going.
I have three daughters and I worried constantly whether it was adversely affecting them. It all seemed so raw and awful to me. All I can tell you, as I'm now two years cancer free, that my daughters are okay – dare I say better in some ways. Our relationship is much more deep and rich. They have a soulfulness about them that wasn't there before the cancer experience. I'm amazed by them everyday. My teenage daughter, Meg, has a friend whose been diagnosed with leukemia and she has the depth of character to remain close and suppportive when so many
friends cannot. We are blessed. Hold on. Keep going. You can do it! As far as I can see- with how open and honest you are and trying to feel it all – you're family will be okay and maybe better. If that isn't a silver lining – I don't know what is.
Love Kim
That was beautiful!
Hollye, you are in my thoughts and prayers every day. I'm so sorry for everything you have been enduring and yet, in spite of it all, you still have the energy, the spirit and the pithy words to describe what you are going through. You are such an inspiration to everyone who hears your story. Please remain strong. Better days are ahead.
Sending you positive thoughts,
Paula
I feel you Hollye, you bring me back to that place, and even tho it's so not a pleasant place to dwell, you have been able to let me see the whole experience in a different light…one filled with SLs that I was aware of, but probably didn't acknowledge as such. I think of you everyday and use your incredible, brave insights all the time.
F**k f**king cancer….
Love you and miss your face,
xoxox
Ughh…FBC. My heart goes out to you when you have these awful days..FBC. You deserve to be pissed off, yet you have such grace and wisdom to stare right back in the face the cards that have been dealt. It is so hard to think of our children and what are the ramifications for them when "bad things happen"..but from my experience, Kim said it so well speaking of her daughter when her friend was diagnosed with Leukemia "she has the depth of character to remain close and suppportive when so many friends cannot." So absolutely true. Finally five will continue to grow to have strength, courage and most importantly compassion well beyond her age. You can tell already by what she did immediately when she got home from the play. She knows what is truly important even at her young age. She will see the SL in things because this is what you have shown her, the example you have set in the wake of this difficult time…both you and the HOTY. You will be blown away by the exceptional young person she is growing up to be…trust me, I know. (and you know her too.)
Thinking of you every single day..N
Dear Hollye..
Echoing all of the sentiments so eloquently expressed by others today….I also want to thank you for the amazing photos. They don't even look real (and are making me want to move back to California more and more!!).
Love,
Rob
Thinking of you!! I know these days are the worst, but you've got an incredible family and support system – I know you never forget it!! All my love to you during these trying times, you've come so far and are soooo close to being done. I can't even tell you how much I love and miss you and your wonderful family. I am so proud of FF, she's an amazing child with so much life and understanding already under her belt. And to have parents like you two, is an unbelievable gift. Thinking of you always,
All my love,
Catie
Sending Love