Shortly after my post-chemo hair started growing back (and I was finally comfortable going scarf-less), I attended a party and had an interesting, perspective building dialogue with a woman:
“I love your hair,” she said.
“Thank you,” I said. What a RELIEF, I thought.
“No, I REALLY love your hair.”
Wow, this is seriously making my night, I thought.
“I just wish that I could wear my hair short,” she said.
“You can,” I told her.
“No, I couldn’t possibly. Not a chance in h***. The grass is ALWAYS greener.”
Well, well, well. After laughing out loud and nearly spitting out my water, in as polite a way as I possibly could (ohhhh was it ever hard!), I said that in fact the grass ISN’T always greener and proceeded to tell her that my hair was as short as it was because it was growing back from chemo. Her eyes nearly popped right out of her head.
This interaction really got me thinking about our culture’s marked propensity toward making comparisons between one another. If you ask me, making comparisons is a slippery slope that leads to yuckiness. Nothing – literally nothing – good can come from comparing yourself to someone else.
The truth is that there are always going to be people who have more and/or less than you do, from health to a bank account. Where you fall on this trajectory has nothing – absolutely nothing! – to do with whom you are as a person. It is such a better use of energy to look at your own strengths and to see your true value.
I know many people who are in the habit of making comparisons. I always wonder what triggers the need for people to compare themselves to others. An awareness of this sure does help stop the viscous, unproductive cycle. Here are my gentle suggestions for breaking these habits:
- Become attentive to these comparison tendencies and then stop yourself.
- Focus on your grass. Water it. Nurture it. Enjoy it.
- Focus on what you DO have, not what you don’t have, from your health to your relationships.
- Focus on the Silver Linings in your life. They are there. Pinky promise!
Great post! It reminds me of the saying that "envy is the art of counting the other fellow's blessings instead of your own."
Well said, Amy. Right on! Thanks for your comment. 🙂
Sometimes I am guilty of a "pity Party", comparing myself to others who are doing something that I cannot do or have in my life. Your advice to "focus on your own grass, water it, nurture it, enjoy it" came at just the right time for me. I needed your reminder to focus on what I do have, not what I don't have. And I find I have many good things in my life; my health is good right now, I have many good friends and social outlets, I am financially secure, I have a partner who is my best friend and confidante, and I have my faith to see me through any crisis.
I'm so glad that the timing of this post is good for you. It sounds like you have some mighty green grass. Enjoy every bit of its beauty!
Wow…I have so much to comment on this week. Great topics. So my hair is growing back albeit it is very short. I had long, amazing curly hair that I coveted much more than my breasts. I remember saying I can lose the breasts but the hair oh so hard. Lately, I am out seeing people at events who may or may not know I had cancer. I get the oh, I love your hair!. My husband says just say thank you but I can't because all I can think is, do you really think I would voluntarilly do this to my hair. So it has been quite the conundrum for me about how to respond……I realize people are being nice but tough!
Jennifer
Thanks for your comments this week, Jennifer! I understand about the hair conundrum – for SURE. It has taught me a newfound empathy and I try to be much more sensitive when talking with people. The Silver Lining is that people like your hair until it grows to the length that you want it to be. 🙂
I cannot begin to tell how many people have had the same conversation with me. And perhaps one day I will return to the short locks. But for now, I will keep the "old" pre-treatment style – except for the natural color I now boast.
Good for you, Christine. Absolutely!
That's a great story you tell on comparison. I do think it's a natural tendency to compare, but hopefully it's also a natural tendency to check that comparison, and realize there's always a deeper story unknown. Our lawns are quite nice when we give them attention & be mindful in the moment. ~Catherine
Thank you for your note, Catherine. I couldn't agree more.