Fighting Cancer is Not How I Roll
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This week, I went back to Chicago for the funeral of a girlfriend. Heart wrenchingly sad. Beyond belief, actually. To see her beautiful children took my breath away. At the wake, her daughter said, “Everyone is crying because they loved my Mommy so much.” Cue the tears. At the funeral, the pastor said that my friend “lost her fight” with cancer. I cringed. Something about his suggestion that she “lost” sent me into a tizzy. It implied that she was somehow responsible for the outcome of the disease trajectory, that she could have done something differently. Let me tell you, my friends, she did every single solitary thing that she could have done to cure her disease. Now, I don’t think that the pastor really believes that there was some sort of culpability on behalf of my friend. It’s simply a matter of fact that this association between “fighting” and cancer is inherent in our culture. Then, I saw another girlfriend who has had FC (f-bomb cancer) for years. She asked me, “What was that post that you wrote about ‘not fighting’ cancer?” Something told me that it would be a good time to repost my philosophy on this topic. So, here goes: I have never seen my journey with FBC (F-bomb Breast Cancer) as a “Fight”.
There. I said it. I’ve had mentioned this to a few people who responded either by gasping or by boo-hooing my belief, assuming that my outrageous notion is a by-product of chemotherapy or pain meds or just the general delirium that comes with a cancer diagnosis. However, I still fervently believe that I have never been engaged in a fight with breast cancer. Has this been awful? Yes. Has this been a struggle? Yes, of course. Has this been a long haul? Absolutely. But, I have still never engaged in a “fight”. Omnipresent in our culture are cancer “fighting” messages, e.g., ”cancer fighting strategies” and “cancer fighting foods” and “cancer fighting treatments”. People told me to “fight” or “keep fighting” or “fight the good fight” as if I were Muhammed Ali. Even though it always made/makes me cringe, I fully acknowledge that these “fighting” wishes come from very well-meaning people, intending to encourage me and give me strength throughout the journey. Frankly, the thought of “fighting” makes my stomach turn. Quite simply: I’m not a fighter. Now, that’s certainly not to say that I’m passive. Far, far from it. In fact, the image of myself as passive makes me laugh out loud. I’m assertive. Strong. Determined. Forthright. I stand up to bullying and don’t take S**T from anyone. I know quite a few people who are “fighters.” They love to pick a fight and then go full throttle. Yelling. Screaming. Smoke coming out of their ears. Fighters. You look at them and it seems as if they are seething, just waiting for the next battle. Always one word away. I have never in my life understood how someone could live this way. If I haven’t thrown you over the edge and you are still reading, please allow me to clarify that fighting is very different from the emotion of anger. Anger is, I believe, a very healthy emotion. When I’m really pissed about something (which does happen on occasion), I acknowledge it, welcome it, thank it, and then politely ask it to leave. Anger isn’t something that I’m fond of holding for long periods of time. So, if I’m not “fighting” WTF have I been doing for the past 12 months? I’ve been harnessing energy. I’ve been finding Silver Linings and thinking positively. I’ve been laughing (at myself, mostly). I’ve been resting. I’ve been allowing the treatments to eradicate cancer from my body. I’ve been learning. I’ve been growing. I’ve been trying things that I’ve never done before (e.g., giving myself IV fluids, getting fitted for a custom bustier bolus, writing). As I mentioned, fighting, to me, has a tremendously pejorative connotation. Why add insult (fighting) to injury (cancer)? My philosophy is to focus on the positive and thereby render the negative inconsequential. And another thing: in all of my years as a cardiac nurse, never once did we (nurses, doctors, etc.) tell patients with cardiovascular disease to “fight”. Why, I wonder, are people with cancer cancer the only patients who are told to “fight”? I’ve never understood this. As a hospice nurse who cared for many cancer patients at the end of their life, I wondered whether were they somehow to blame because they “lost the fight”? It almost seemed punitive to suggest that they “lost”. As if they had something to do with it. It was never suggested that patients with vascular disease, for example, “lost” some kind of “battle”. This is certainly no right or wrong here. Each person chooses how they will handle their own circumstances and disease process. My fundamental hope is that no matter which road is chosen that you are able to find Silver Linings (inside the ring or out).
~Nikolai Lenin |
Very interesting analysis of words and their
Influence/power over our thinking
Thanks so much, Beverley!
IT SOUND LIKE YOU HAVE HAD A BREAK THROUGH, GOOD FOR YOU ,YOU KNOW WHAT PISS#####S ME OFF, WHEN PEOPLE TALK ABOUT YOU ARE ALIVE, WHAT U SAID IS SO TRUE WHY DO THEY WANT US TO FEEL LIKE WE QUIT TRYING JUST BECAUSE CANCER TAKES IT'S TOLL , F CANCER. AND IF WE WANT TO HAVE A BAD DAY, OR WEEK SO WHAT ,IF I WANT TO CRY LET ME CRY. IT ALL GOES BACK TO AS LONG AS WE DONT MAKE OTHER PEOPLE FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE ITS FINE BUT FOR GODS SAKE DONT EVER TALK ABOUT NOT FIGHTING. THANK S FOR REMINDING ME IF I DIE ILL LEAVE IT IN MY LAST WORDS, DONT SAY I QUIT FIGHTING, BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT THEY CALL IT ,THE ONLY FIGHTING I EVER DID WAS BATTLE WITH MY SANITY TRYING TO MAKE OTHER PEOPLE FEEL GOOD. LOL
Thanks so much for your kind and thoughtful note, Sharon. I really appreciate it. Yes, I can certainly associate with "battling" my sanity! Phew. Please stay in touch!
i loved your article about "fighting". i pet peeve is "how wonderful u are finished, now u are cured!" why don't they look up the word "remission". if some womens f-bomb, b/c comes back, "it is a miracle"…..how could it happen when they were cured!. people should be better informed.
Thanks so much for your note, Susan. I really appreciate your feedback and agree with the need for people to be better informed!
The year that I was treated for breast cancer, out of work, and for much of the time, being a human paperweight, was the BEST year of my life in so many ways. Scott Hamilton says, "The only disability in life is a bad attitude." I agree. Keep on rockin' girl. Positivity IS as good for the souls as it is for the body!
I LOVE that quote, Joann. Fantastic! Thanks for sharing!
A whole "hearted" Amen! Blessings on all the support and wisdom you continue to share.
From this posting I’m reminded of how beautiful each human being is because of their uniqueness. What did Sister Stella tell me once in my 3rd grade class “just like no snowflake is alike, nor is any human being” This reminds me of why when a friend is going through any journey, our most important offering is to LISTEN. Let’s not try to provide the words to someone else, but let their words guide us in how best to be there as a friend. Thank you for this reminder Hollye!
Thanks for your comment, Thom! You're so right about the importance of listening. I love that you had Sister Stella in 3rd grade….AND that you remember what she said. Love you for that!
Hollye, I LOVE this post!! As a matter of fact, I shared it with my husband when you posted it the first time, and he loved it too. As you know, we both work at the children's hospital and see very fragile kids on a daily basis. Most of our work is done with kids who were born with tragic issues. We hear ( almost daily!!) about how the kids are "fighters" and can survive anything!? What kind of message are we sending to the poor parents who are asked to make unbelievably difficult decisions for their children…..it makes me crazy!! I plan on sharing your post again with some of our colleagues and thank you again for your insight and courage to talk about the most difficult topics!! You are truly inspiring!
Thanks, Patty. Your point about the parents is right on. I wonder how many more would be open to all of the benefits of hospice and palliative care if they didn't have the "fight" mentality.
My perspective "from the other side of the bed" has been incredibly enlightening.
Thanks for being so thoughtful!
Hollye –
Thank you for today's thoughts. I am sorry for the loss of your dear friend.
Diane
Thanks so much, Diane!
I agree totally!! I have also struggled with the term "survivor" and have always had trouble calling myself a survivor even though I have managed to live past the "5 year" period that considers you to be a survivor. I live with cancer every day and never really feel like I have "beaten it" or "survived". I just have learned to live with it. Every day I know that every pain I have or every "funny feeling" I have can mean it is back and rather than let that rule my life I have just learned to roll with it and enjoy every day I have. I am a 9 year "manager" of cancer rather than a 9 year "survivor" of cancer:) I am so blessed to be here and like you enjoy the silver linings like seeing both of my children graduate from high school when I never thought I would. I really enjoy your posts and keep up the good work!!
Thanks do much, Gail. I agree about the term survivor. It doesnt feel right at all.
Be well! Thanks, again
I like the idea of positive thinking. It takes a very good outlook on stuff to keep on going. This past year was my test. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. On to the next treatment. On to the OPeration. Then on to the next treatment, again. I'm finally done with treatments. Am I done with cancer, Probably not. My scans came back clear, but I'm going to have a hysterectomy next month. Why , to get ahead of this crazy disease. So I guess you could say "I'm fighting back", but I say I'm just erring on the side of caution. Thanks for listening.
Thanks so much for your comment. I sure hope that you are done! All my best wishes to you! Take good care!
I'm from SB and I met you at the Carolina Herrera show in NY in October 0f 2010. I was with my daughter who is twenty five. I am now living in NY because last April, she had a heart attack, cardiac arrest and was in a coma for three days. In August after a vacation in Italy, we came to NY for a few days and she needed two additional stents (she already had two). I've never been home since. You are absolutely right, we have never thought of her as a fighter, she is just an incredibly optimistic, happy girl who has accepted the necessary changes in her life and only looks forward.
Thank you so much for your note. I'm so sad to hear about your daughter and hoping that she is doing so much better and on the road to recovery. All my very best wishes to you!
LG Beltran again, my daughter has a blog you might want to look at:
http://theresidenttourist.blogspot.com/
Thank you!
Thank you for sharing!
Wow – never thought of it this way – BRAVO and well said my friend!!
Thanks so much, Teresa!
Thank you for the re-post! The conversation goes on and it's nothing but positive. Having someone like you expressing the many different ways one deals with FC, and the ripples of need in so many areas, is a gift to all of us reading the blog.
It's fascinating to read how we look at ourselves, how we choose our words and why. Or maybe to change how we look at ourselves through someone else's words.
Thank you for the gift of The Silver Pen…..
Xo
Thank you, dear Diane for your inspiration and for all that you do! xx
Thank you. Living from chemo to chemo is not our fight. Our lessons are to live each day to the best, but boy! is it hard. Husband's cancer is incurable but manageable. Thank you from those of us who are aching inside, but laughing as much as possible.
Thanks so much for your note, Judy. So glad to hear that you are laughing. What a great form of therapy!
Your words are very honest and real. It's been a rough week. Take some time for self care my dear Hollye and thank you for thinking of all of us at this difficult time. I agree 110%. I like to see the cancer cells as just confused and misguided. Psychologically, cancer is a friend with whom I have set huge boundaries (diet, exercise, supplements, yoga, meditation, therapy – you name it!) Sounds strange, but it works for me. This has helped me to confront the worst fear and anxiety I have ever known and helped me to live in peace with my cancer diagnosis. I'm two and half years in remission from cancer and feeling healthy – inside and out!
Kim
oops… I also used 3 surgeries and 6 months of chemotherapy….
Thank you for your note (as always), Kim. I really like your vision of cancer and I'm so glad it worked for you! I'm thrilled that you feel healthy inside and out. That is the BEST! Continue to be well!
What a gift your words of wisdom are Hollye.
I am so sorry for the loss of your dear friend…how blessed she was to have you in her life.
May your relationship with her continue in the grand spiritual realm we all possess.
Sending you gratitude, healing energy, and love on this beautiful Sunday!
Thanks so much for your kind note, Elizabeth. It means so much to me! Hope to see you soon!
I believe in the power of words as well. This really made me think about the words "survivor" and "fighting" as you mentioned. I recently posted on my blog that I did not want to say that I "have" FBC, but that I "had" it, past tense. I have had lumpectomy, chemo, radiation and oral medication, and my follow-up mammogram was clear, no evidence of cancer. I am less than one year since diagnosis, and not done with treatment, but my doctor and I are happy with my progress. Prayers and encouragement to all of us who are in need of healing. Thank you for the courage of your blog, which is really lovely. You are all welcome to visit my blog at http://www.CaringBridge.org/visit/shaynadanasg.
Thank you so much for your note, Dana. Yes, "survivor" and "fighting" are in the same realm. Thank you for sharing your blog as well. Please stay in touch!
Thank you for sharing this again. As one who has recently dealt with the disease and all its trappings I am totally in agreement with you. The "fight" is right up there with "survivor" in my disagreement with other people's version of what it means to have cancer. I did not survive cancer. I did not survive the treatments. Was it an ordeal? Certainly. But I dealt with the reality of it, took the steps my doctors recommended and tried to learn as much as I can about it. I continue to live my life to the fullest and, as you remind me so often, look for the silver linings in life.
Absolutely beautifully said, Christine. Thank you so much! I'm so glad that you look for the Silver Linings in life. It's the best way to live!
I totally agree with your view on "fighting". But I also have trouble with being "sick". I totally think of sick as the flu or a cold. But I'm not sick.
Thanks very much for this interesting perspective, Dawn. I really appreciate it.
Hollye,
I cried went I read this. You are SOO right. In fact I think that negative energy that sometimes goes with the concept of fighting can perhaps make it worse.
When my girl friend had cancer the second time, we spent all the time we could understanding it, finding positive tools to deal with it( in addition to all the medical things she had to do), like the power of laughter and release. She found what humor one can in wearing hats and wigs. In talking to people as she was getting her chemo drip. We watched funny movies, read Paul Pearsal's books (Making Miracles is a good one). We laughed as much as we could. Not unrealistically, but richly, enjoying all the moments we could. She shared with me her hopes and dreams for her kids. We made plans for them that I was to carry out. It was as positive as it could be. She was admirable. She was courageous. She was thoughtful of others. And she lived a much happier few more years than I've seen a lot of people live in the peak of health. That's a great legacy to leave, I think.
XO
Thanks so much for your note, Stina. There is certainly nothing like the power of laughter and release! What a gift she had in you as her friend. I couldn't agree more about leaving that type of beautiful legacy!
Dear Hollye,
I am so sorry that it has taken me this long to get back to you on the subject of “fighting” and “survivors.” No excuses…just life. But after reading your post yesterday, I decided I had to sit back down and write something. Great post…you said it so eloquently!
I’m not sure if you even want my two cents anymore, but the good thing it has done for me is pushed me to start a Project that is about informing the everyday public about these issues. As soon as I get it up and running, I will send you a link. It’s been 13 years for me since diagnosed and it’s time to move cancer awareness to another level…as far as I’m concerned!
Take care,
Mary Beth
When first diagnosed with breast cancer, it didn’t even occur to me that it was something I needed to fight. The “war on cancer” declared in 1971 wasn’t part of my perception. Eight years earlier it might have been but 7 years before my diagnosis my life took a drastic jump down the rabbit hole, so to speak, into another paradigm. In learning to surrender and trust in my spiritual intuitive voice I was able to understand the meaning of letting go and understanding faith that came from the heart versus the ego.
Fighting just didn’t make sense living from a heart based center or spiritual outlook. Fighting and surrendering were from two opposite ends of the spectrum. This didn’t mean I sat back on my laurels without taking action. The first thing I did was go into action mode. I did all those little things that intuitively had been trying to get my attention for quite some time. You know. Those soft quiet voices that say “Meditate…eat healthier…quit this job and avoid other toxins including people.”
Action meant putting my life in order and cancer was the whistle that got my attention. Instead of fighting it, I accepted it and saw it as a wakeup call. Not only did I wake up to change the direction of the life I’d been living but to seeing clearly the inevitable fact that we are all going to die. So my question became “How do I really want to live?”
Just last night I heard on the news, “So and so loses their battle with cancer.” Since when did living become a battle? We don’t hear about fighting heart disease or diabetes. Fighting uses precious resources we need for walking hand in hand with what daily comes our way and it places me in the category of the victim. I’m not sure about you but life is not without escaping heartache and pain or even death. Living in spite of it seems to be the gift. (as your site promotes!)
That’s why the whole “survivor” label has never felt comfortable to me either. No one survives. We all die eventually. And when it does come to war, we don’t recognize soldiers that come home as survivors. If we did it seems to me that it would dishonor those who died. For some reason our focus on staying young forever gives us some unrealistic belief that we can escape death. Death knows no bounds and no one ever escapes.
After volunteering 3 years in a chemotherapy clinic I know that there is no rhyme and reason as to who lives and who dies. Cancer is more of a crap shoot than they want you to know. I’ve lost more friends than I can count on two hands anymore to this debilitating disease. Even all of the hoopla on prevention and mammograms surrounded in pink ribbons distracts us from the bottom line truth.
Eliminating the disease requires no fight. It requires us to collectively do the right thing and rid our world of cancer causing toxins. But this takes action.
Thanks so very much for your king and thoughtful note. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it! I agree that cancer is very much a crap shoot. Prior to my diagnosis, I was the poster child of healthy. My 42 year old girlfriend who just died…also the poster child of health. Like you, I have seen my diagnosis as a wake up call. I am so much more present in my life than I used to be. Thank you again, Mary Beth! Please stay in touch.
So very beautifully said, Mary Beth. Thank you for your beautiful words. They helped me today.
Kim
Great, Hollye. xox
WOW! Just that little word sort of explains the courage and knowledge I gained today. As always, Hollye, thank you for your wonderful, inspiring and, sometimes, but kicking words. And to those whose comments I read, God Bless you all. I guess I haven't had time to think of those words used, fight, survive, and more. I can't thank you and all the people who post on The Silver Lining for their courageous words and inspiration to me, and I'm sure, many others. I am a retired LPN and disabled. I was a hospice volunteer for years and spent last moments with so many that inspired me. I would get off a shift at the hospital and go sit with a patient who had no family near and was expected to die that night. At one point when I was talking to her, she squeezed my hand! I knew she could hear me and just kept talking to her. It's been many years since that time and now it gives me comfort to remember her. I tend to ramble when this emotional so I just want to say again: thank you, Hollye, and to all the people you have reached and now are reaching me and so many others. You have my deepest sympathy for your loss of a good friend. I will be saying prayers for you and all the others.
Thanks for your note, Dorene. I really appreciate it. I love the story about the woman you comforted in her last hours. Beautiful. I am also so appreciative of all of the people who post on The Silver Pen. It means the world to me!
I find people don't often stop and think about the words they are going to use, especially in delicate or uncomfortable situations. Maybe in the era of texting and computers where things are typed so quickly and effortlessly (to some) you just type in abbreviations, especially this generation. I have found people have used words about cancer and surviving and fighting NOT to specifically guilt the patient, but the patient may feel that way. Look at the phrase often heard "So and So lost their fight with cancer today." That's always bothered me. Believe me, my friend fought as hard as she could, swinging with all her might, not once giving in to cancer, she died of cancer but she did not lose her fight with cancer. I love your blog and I appreciate the time you take with your words and with your thoughts. I hope to try and be as thoughtful on my blog but if I am, I will have learned and been blessed by you. Your fan, Laurie F. @hibernationnow
Thanks so much for your note, Laurie. I couldn't agree more with you! All my best wishes to you!
The inner strength and stamina that you have channeled to flow through your words as they become your story in writing, far exceed the strength and stamina that a fighter could ever possibly hope for. When a person has to face the adversary, it is best done with knowledge that one is willing to gain during the face off. That knowledge comes only when a person is ready to open their mind to a new and different way thinking. Your sharing of the knowledge that you have gained while facing your adversary, has become a source of strength and stamina for many others. Your words are pure, yet not gentle. Your words are similar to the intense heat of a fire, yet they do not burn; they only warm the reader. Your sincerity is honest. You do not offer promises or pity, nor do you expect promises or pity. You are a realist. A very admirable trait. Being a realist, you have been given the opportunity to help others achieve a realistic approach to face their adversary in a manner that they can understand. That understanding does not come from listening to a walking medical dictionary. It is coming from a person with a true, honest, forthright knowledge, that stands firm on the belief that fighting is not a term to be used. Rather fortify one's self with determination for a positive attitude, get angry, then get over it! Continue to move forward. Don't look back, as you have already been there. The journey is forward. General Hollye, your troops are awaiting more inspirational orders from your pen and paper. Continue to write with your inner most feelings and thoughts. They are the best medicine for a face off with the adversary.
Thank you so much for this note, Terrin. Wow. It means the absolute world to me. Truly. Thank you so much!
See above post: Last name correction McKelvey-Green
Thanks!
Terrin L. McKelvey-Green on January 27, 2012 at 11:32 pm said: Your comment is awaiting moderation.
The inner strength and stamina that you have channeled to flow through your words as they become your story in writing, far exceed the strength and stamina that a fighter could ever possibly hope for. When a person has to face the adversary, it is best done with knowledge that one is willing to gain during the face off. That knowledge comes only when a person is ready to open their mind to a new and different way thinking. Your sharing of the knowledge that you have gained while facing your adversary, has become a source of strength and stamina for many others. Your words are pure, yet not gentle. Your words are similar to the intense heat of a fire, yet they do not burn; they only warm the reader. Your sincerity is honest. You do not offer promises or pity, nor do you expect promises or pity. You are a realist. A very admirable trait. Being a realist, you have been given the opportunity to help others achieve a realistic approach to face their adversary in a manner that they can understand. That understanding does not come from listening to a walking medical dictionary. It is coming from a person with a true, honest, forthright knowledge, that stands firm on the belief that fighting is not a term to be used. Rather fortify one’s self with determination for a positive attitude, get angry, then get over it! Continue to move forward. Don’t look back, as you have already been there. The journey is forward. General Hollye, your troops are awaiting more inspirational orders from your pen and paper. Continue to write with your inner most feelings and thoughts. They are the best medicine for a face off with the adversary.
PS: I'm a thriver, not a survivor!
Absolutely, Joann! Fantastic!
I learned of my BC diagnosis on December 19th in the middle of the holiday season. Since I have no pain I was able to spend time with friends and family and truly enjoy every moment of the season. Your article comes at a perfect time since I woke this morning looking for mental strategies to tackle this FBC head on. I was looking for positive approaches and the word "fight" doesn't resonate with me either. As you describe I am not a fighter … although I AM a warrior who takes each day by the B*&LLs and lives fully. I want to honor the cancer and tackle this as one would climb a mountain .. one deliberabate step at a time. Thank you for your reflection Hollye .. it came at a good time for me as I begin the journey…
Dear Dear Martha,
I had no idea! Oh my goodness. Sending you tons of strength an positive energy during this incredibly challenging time. Please let me know what I can do to help not-fight FBC.
xx
Like everyone else who left comments thank you for your note and thoughts about fighting breast cancer. It is absurd and irrational thinking to fight an illness. Treat yes, but fight?
I'm (obviously) in total agreement, Mayuchna. Thank you for writing!
Can't wait for the book.
Thank you so much, Evelyn! I hope that you enjoy it!
I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved friend in 2012. I call it my "journey" (don't like "fighting" either) and will never forget driving down a winding road one day not long after diagnosis, realizing I don't know what's around the corner, but God does, because at that point (one year ago) I was in constant shock, news just got worse and worse. I never said "why" either, it's life, it happens to all of us in one way or another but I have a whole new appreciation for every minute. It will be exactly one year since my diagnosis in a few days, every day is sweet! Thank you for a beautiful site, I'm so glad I heard about your book and this site, wish I'd known about it sooner!
Thank you so much for your note, Jo. Please continue to be healthy! Very best to you.
Thanks for your energies spent to publish a book that will help others who are cancer patients. I try very hard to stay educated and live one day at a time and turn the rest to God.
Thank you for your note, Suzann. I feel so honored to be able to help people who are impacted by cancer. This is my #1 priority. Sending you my very best wishes!